Time

Has flown by and you are so much bigger now.

Always growing and adapting, accepting the changes and flowing with them.

You are the epitome of magnificence and grace.

Smart and beautiful, strong enough to move oceans and earth.

Out in the world I have sent you and though I do worry and fret,

my dear daughter, you can conquer the world.

Anger

I’ve been angry and I cannot help it. I’m angry at every little thing lately and I feel like I cannot control it. Irritability is my least favorite attribute to this lovely disease of mine and it makes me feel sick. I hate feeling sick, as I’m sure most people do. I want to control it but I have no control so now I have anxiety and oh, how well do they mix together. I hope whoever reads this is in better spirits and I wish you well.

SS

Explosion

I have so many words waiting to come out and even though I wish to pour them out I can’t.

I’m stopped

words trapped, all jumbled and messy in my head,

make,

it,

stop.

the words are halted and I can’t think of a single word in a world so filled with words and it should be a grand

explosion

but it’s not and I can’t seem to find a way to pull myself up and string a few sentences together because no words can seem to fit the way I’m feeling;

and what I’m feeling is

halted.

I did a beautiful thing

I learned to let go.

I have been holding on to so much doubt and instability.

I finally said no to it, I won’t allow it to hurt me anymore.

I let it go.

In doing so, I feel less pressure, I feel lighter.

I feel better.

And that’s what I’m here to do.

To whoever reads this; it takes small steps, but be proud of them, they’re progress.

SS

Recently

I have found myself to be completely infuriated at my lack of motivation to do anything. I know I’ve hit the depressive side of things in my bipolar disorder when I feel sluggish. The only good thing that I can say is coming out of it is my ability to complete my “tasks” throughout the day. I am still doing what needs to be done but I just feel so blah and empty about all of it and that makes me more depressed. It’s a vicious cycle and I’m trying to climb out of it. I hope whoever is reading this is coming out on top of things that they are struggling with and I wish you luck.

SS

Never Enough Time

Time is a concept; a construct.

Irrelevant and yet still pressing.

We all have a finite amount of time and what we choose to do with it is what defines us.

We all live so differently and yet, somehow the same.

Afraid to die, afraid of time.

Not enough time.

Never enough time.

Not to do the things we really want to.

Instead we are conditioned to do the will of others.

Conditioned to spend our time as slaves.

But there are those that have beguiled their way into better time spent.

Sweet release of the chains and living freely, unashamed and unpressed for time.

I wish to be one, are you?

Sunrise

Swirling and whirling,

the dust rises and falls.

Birds sing in their high perches,

watching over the world as it awakens from its slumber.

The sun greets the day like an old friend,

enveloped in warmth and joy.

For this new day brings new life,

new death,

new beginnings,

and new ends.

A timeless tale of a sunrise.

Suicide

There was once this little word blob from a tumblr.com post that someone had made about how they had tried to commit suicide when they were younger but now they can hear their husband reading their four-year-old a bedtime story in funny voices in the other room and that it does, and will get better; let yourself be around to see it.

This has always stuck with me and for some reason really resonated deep. Maybe it is because I have been there and now my life is better or maybe because someone else found their peace with their own life and I can relate to that.

Now I sit around the kitchen table with my own family and think about all the times I felt so low I tried or contemplated suicide. It really can get better but unless you’re there to see it, you will never know just how good it can be.

If you are struggling out there and you need guidance, ask for it. You deserve it and all the good things that can come your way. Please don’t feel alone, there are people out there for you who can help. Never give up.

National Suicide Hotline:  1-800-273-8255

Stale and Stagnant

Stale and stagnant are those who do nothing,

those who dare not to dream.

Those who desire not to achieve but to wade the waters,

waiting for something to float its way.

Half finished hopes and dreams lay broken at the feet,

all too mendable but will not be.

They are they broken promises,

the same old results.

The same old defeat.

Tomorrow is a new day,

filled with the same stale waters.