If you’re out there

and you see this I hope you’re having a good day, a good week, a good life. I hope all the good things you’ve been looking for find you. Here’s to some positive changes friends. Cheers.

SS

Anger

I’ve been angry and I cannot help it. I’m angry at every little thing lately and I feel like I cannot control it. Irritability is my least favorite attribute to this lovely disease of mine and it makes me feel sick. I hate feeling sick, as I’m sure most people do. I want to control it but I have no control so now I have anxiety and oh, how well do they mix together. I hope whoever reads this is in better spirits and I wish you well.

SS

Explosion

I have so many words waiting to come out and even though I wish to pour them out I can’t.

I’m stopped

words trapped, all jumbled and messy in my head,

make,

it,

stop.

the words are halted and I can’t think of a single word in a world so filled with words and it should be a grand

explosion

but it’s not and I can’t seem to find a way to pull myself up and string a few sentences together because no words can seem to fit the way I’m feeling;

and what I’m feeling is

halted.

Recently

I have found myself to be completely infuriated at my lack of motivation to do anything. I know I’ve hit the depressive side of things in my bipolar disorder when I feel sluggish. The only good thing that I can say is coming out of it is my ability to complete my “tasks” throughout the day. I am still doing what needs to be done but I just feel so blah and empty about all of it and that makes me more depressed. It’s a vicious cycle and I’m trying to climb out of it. I hope whoever is reading this is coming out on top of things that they are struggling with and I wish you luck.

SS

Never Enough Time

Time is a concept; a construct.

Irrelevant and yet still pressing.

We all have a finite amount of time and what we choose to do with it is what defines us.

We all live so differently and yet, somehow the same.

Afraid to die, afraid of time.

Not enough time.

Never enough time.

Not to do the things we really want to.

Instead we are conditioned to do the will of others.

Conditioned to spend our time as slaves.

But there are those that have beguiled their way into better time spent.

Sweet release of the chains and living freely, unashamed and unpressed for time.

I wish to be one, are you?

Slumber

Floating in a sea of blue,

grey days have come to pass.

Sunshine feels unreal, exquisite on the skin.

Feels like I’ve missed too many days,

slumbering in my depression.

Like a choke hold, only smothered and pressed.

No release until it passed,

now I’m floating in a sea of blue.

Positive Attracts Positive

I read something by another blogger about happiness. A few key points they pointed out were ideas like:

negative attracts negative

positive attracts positive

space from those who are negative is crucial while we focus on those who are more positive-minded

allowing us to stay true to ourselves

being able to express our negativity and finding the positive, because it is there, we just have to find it

I really liked the piece because it hit home for me. I have been in such a dark and crucial point in my life where I feel I’m only now, and very slowly, starting to crawl out of it. I focus too much on the negativity in my life and it seems everything is all wrong at once, when in reality there is an equal list of things going right that are being brushed to the side and forgotten.

It’s a small list, but it is an extremely attainable goal for now.

Do you have anything you’re currently working on? I’d love to know so leave me a comment.

High

Hazy and dazed,

helpless and hopeless.

Down and out,

counted out.

Means of self destruction,

think think think.

Starry and glazed,

dew drops on the blades.

It’s easier to wallow in one’s self doubt.

Crickets

Twilight brushes dusk with it subdued glows. The air is warm and moist from an evening shower. Birds flit and tweet. Crickets chirp and the river roars, unwavering. Serene and peaceful, the world prepares itself for sleep, but not yet an eternal slumber.

How many hours is it?

Days, weeks, months?

The sky will come crashing and Mother Earth will awaken. Crushing and bruising, her path will be painful and destructive.

Beyond repair,

beyond hope,

beyond words.

The birds do not know so, they will continue their dance. The crickets do not know so, they will continue to chirp. The river does not know so, it will continue to roar, unwavering.

It is so hard to write

When I feel like I have nothing to write and everything to write at the same time. So many ideas but only half-ideas because my brains already off and onto the next one.

So many half finished ideas, all stuck together like glue waiting to be brilliantly unfolded and revealed. But I cannot do it. There’s nothing left in me to finish what I started and I feel like I need to but I cannot.

Even when I do write I hate it, I feel as if everything I write is juvenile and repulsive, the more I look at it the more I hate it. It is so hard to write when my brain won’t let me write because it tells me I do not know how to write and I’m terrible at it anyway.

But I write, and will continue to write, because it stills me if only for a minute; my brain is focused and no longer on edge. It calms me, if only for a moment,

so,

I will continue to write.